Bankrupt but Donations Accepted
by Leo-Novum
Summary: When Gilgamesh destroys the entire Church in a fit of rage, Kotomine Kirei is left with the duty of collecting donations and to prevent the Servants and Masters from fighting. Easier said than done.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE: IN CASE OF FIRE, BLAME GILGAMESH

Kotomine Kirei was an incredibly patient man. One had to be when dealing with a bunch of nutters like mages and demon hunters. However, he was now severely regretting booking the Fuyuki City Hall for an event like this. The money had come out of his own pocket and the results of his endeavor were already proving to be epically disastrous.

"If I could have your attention please?" He said, his voice magnified by the sound system. A chair flew by him, missing his head by a couple of inches.

"Aim better, Berserker! You almost had him!" Ilyasviel von Einzbern, the spawn of his arch-enemy Emiya Kiritsugu, yelled at her Servant Berserker. The eight foot tall giant roared and picked up another chair.

"Emiya Kiritsugu, you fathered a psychopathic idiot." Kirei sighed quietly, making sure to cover the microphone with his hand.

The Hall was currently occupied by twelve of the worst case of psychopaths, murderers, idiots and madmen. Sadly, six of them were actually celebrated heroes of human history.

"Shirou, I don't understand what is happening here." Saber, the Servant of the Sword, asked her Master, Emiya Shirou.

"Well, Father Kotomine said it was urgent so I guess we should wait and see what he has to say, right?" Emiya Shirou, Master of Stating the Obvious, said. His Servant Saber nodded as if Shirou had just said something incredibly wise and deep.

A few feet away from Emiya sat Tohsaka Rin, the daughter of Kirei's late teacher with her Servant Archer.

"Do you think you could quickly just shoot Kirei with that bow of yours?" Rin whispered, if it could be called whispering at all. Considering all the commotion in the Hall, she had to resort to shouting and Kirei could hear every single word. The priest made a mental note to devise some sort of torture for her.

"Well I could but doing something that rash might start a war. We might kill Kirei but I won't be able to protect you." Archer, who was totally a grown up version of Emiya Shirou with white hair and a tan, said. Kirei rolled his eyes. Archer was fooling no one except himself and fooling Emiya Shirou didn't even require half a brain cell.

"Grr, so close." Rin said.

Another chair whizzed by Kirei's hair. Kirei sighed. Berserker and Lancer were now fighting each other although it looked more like Berserker beating the ever-loving daylights out of the Irish man with a chair. And Lancer seemed to be enjoying it. Kirei sighed once again. It was just his luck to steal a Servant who actually enjoyed being hurt. Those kinds tended not to last long.

On top of that, Lancer was as big an idiot as Emiya Shirou and that was saying something. The only difference Kirei could see between Emiya and Lancer was that Emiya didn't seem to be compensating for something.

For now anyways.

Caster was cooing over her Master and the words she used could have made all of Kirei's teeth fall out. Her Master, Kuzuki Oh-I-am-so-goddamn-mysterious-and-stoic Souichirou, sat beside her without uttering a single word or even moving a muscle. Kirei hated the man's guts.

"Excuse me but can you at least explain why we are all here?" Souichirou said.

The entire hall fell silent as the one man no one expected to actually speak, spoke. All eyes were focused on him except for Berserker's and Lancer's. Berserker, being the gentleman he was, was busy beating the ever-loving crap out of Lancer, who had fainted with a smile on his face.

You had to hand it to that idiot. He might be stupid but he was quite durable.

"The thing is," Kirei said, before pausing. The statement he was about to make was quite controversial and might even cause everyone to turn on him. Kirei toyed with the words in his mind in an effort to make what he had to say less inflammatory. Then he realized there was no way out of it anyways so he might as well proudly make the most inflammable statement.

At the very least, Rin might be crushed under the ensuing stampede of angry Servants.

"The Holy Grail War has been cancelled due to a lack of funds." Kirei said. There was silence.

"If that was a joke, it wasn't a very good one." Rider, that blindfolded woman who insisted on bringing her horse inside the hall, said.

"No, I assure you. We have run out of money to properly fund the Holy Grail War of Fuyuki. The entire War had been put on hold for now. Please refrain from killing each other in the mean time." Kirei said.

"Easier said than done." Archer remarked as Berserker continued his merciless beating. Kirei was now wondering whether Lancer had a Noble Phantasm which turned all that damage to happiness. It would certainly explain quite a lot.

"You don't need money to fund this War, you idiot! It's magical War and we have already summoned our Servants!" Rin said.

"You may not need it but I most certainly do. The money is for the repairs of the damage you Servants cause." Kirei said. Everyone digested this new information.

"What happened to all the money?" Emiya Shirou asked. Kirei glared at him. Trust that particular idiot to ask the most essential thing at the correct moment.

"Let's just say that there were a number of complications involving a cat, a motorcycle model and an ancient Sumerian King." Kirei said bitterly.

"Huh?" Rin said in a confused voice.

(Convenient Flashback)

Kotomine Kirei looked at the curled up figure of Gilgamesh sitting in front of the ruins of the church. The east wall suddenly decided to fall in and managed to do so quite magnificently.

"My church…" Kirei said in a confused voice. He turned his attention to the Servant sitting on the ground. "Gilgamesh, what did you do to my church?" He asked.

"You've got some nerve, Kirei, for jumping to the conclusion that I am the culprit." Gilgamesh said, trying to muster up his familiar smug persona. He failed however and he sounded even more pathetic than that old worm's grandson. Kirei would have felt overjoyed at seeing Gilgamesh broken so thoroughly but right now he had other things to worry about.

"You are sitting here in a fetal position in obvious distress in front of the ruins of my church. And considering your temper and power, I am actually surprised that the entire place isn't razed to the ground. But just what on earth did you do to my church?" Kirei said.

"I am not the culprit, Kirei. You should be looking for the insidious beast that… hurgh?" Gilgamesh began speaking but was interrupted as Kotomine Kirei, Former Executor of the Church, lifted him by the neck with one hand.

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. MY. CHURCH?" Kirei roared, punctuating each word by violently shaking Gilgamesh.

"It was all that damn cat's fault! It broke my precious Hayabusa model! I tried killing it but that fiend actually managed to evade all the treasures I threw at it! It is a creature most foul that deserves a cruel and fitting death… Kirei, why are you glaring at me like that?" Gilgamesh said, as he noticed the priest taking out three Black keys from his breast pocket and magically creating the blades.

(End of Flashback)

"The summary of this story is that while I managed to repair the church with the money for the war and also got to teach Gilgamesh a lesson as a bonus, we are now forced to officially postpone the war unless or until the Holy Grail War can be refunded." Kirei said.

"Excuse me, Father Kotomine, are you saying that Gilgamesh is still alive after the Fourth War?" Saber asked.

"Yes." Kirei answered.

"And you managed to further break his spirit with only a couple of pointy sticks?" Saber said.

"Well, yes." Kirei replied.

"I love you, Kotomine Kirei." Saber said with utmost sincerity.

"WHAT?" Emiya Shirou, Tohsaka Rin, Ilyasviel von Einzbern, Archer, Rider and Caster yelled in surprise.

"Hell yeah!" Matou Sakura yelled triumphantly. She found Lancer staring at her. "What? Now that she is out of the way, I can win back senpai!" She said defensively.

"No, I am actually surprised you are here at all." Lancer said.

"I am surprised you are still alive, conscious and still sane enough. Do you enjoy pain that much?" Sakura asked.

"I don't like pain. I do, however, like to fight. And since pain is part of fighting so in a way, yeah, I like pain." Lancer said proudly with a smile which revealed two missing teeth. Sakura simply rolled her eyes.

"You heard what he said, Berserker. He likes pain." Sakura said to the eight foot tall giant. Berserker resumed.

"Can all of you please pay attention once more? And Rider, Pegasi are not allowed inside the hall." Kirei implored to the general audience or whoever actually bothered to listen to him.

"He doesn't want to go so that's that." Rider said dismissively.

"You can't know he wants that. It's an animal!" Kirei said.

"I speak horse. His name is Shooter and he wants you to respect his life decisions." Rider said. Kirei rubbed his forehead.

"Anyways, anyone who actually bothers to listen, please donate to the Holy Grail War Charity Fund. Donations are accepted in front of the Fuyuki Church. I can't mediate a bankrupt war so it would be in your best interests to contribute as generously…" Kirei said but was interrupted by none other than Gilgamesh bursting in through the roof.

"KIREI! I PUT SOMETHING IN THE MICROWAVE AND IT EXPLODED!" He said hysterically. Kirei sighed. This war hadn't even started and it was already making him want to go on a murdering spree.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: ALMOST EVERYONE IS A BASTARD, EVEN THE CAT

Kotomine Kirei, the incredibly patient and kind-hearted priest, stood in front of his church.

"How odd; It's intact." He said with a look of dull surprise.

"Of course it's intact. I only said that the microwave exploded, not the church." Gilgamesh said in an offended tone. "Kirei, you are judging me too harshly. I may have deprived you of your house, your earnings, your orphans which you loved to torture, your daughter.."

"Wait, what the hell do you mean by my daughter?" Kirei demanded.

"… butthatdoesntmeanicanmakethesamemistakeagain, doesn't it?" Gilgamesh quickly ended his sentence. Kirei was still eye-balling the golden king suspiciously when a single cat jumped out from the church's window.

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gilgames yelled, raining Noble Phantasm after Noble Phantasm on the cat. A few minutes later, the church was revealed to be completely destroyed.

Again.

A few seconds later, Gilgamesh fell down with twenty three black keys sticking out of his body and blood flowing freely from his nose.

Yet another few seconds later, the cat nonchalantly walked over Gilgamesh and wandered away for a little feline action.

(Ryuudou Temple)

"The moon is so beautiful tonight." Assassin said. It would be a slightly poetic sounding sentence.

Except that it was daytime. Caster's Master, Kuzuki Souichirou, had just left for work a few minutes ago.

Assassin fell in deep thought for a few seconds.

"The moon is so beautiful tonight." Assassin repeated but in a deeper voice.

A few crickets chirped in applause. Assassin closed his eyes and nodded with a smile as if he had just received praise from an audience.

"The moon is beautiful tonight." Assassin said once again.

"GODDAMIT, ASSASSIN! IF YOU KEEP REPEATING THAT SENTENCE, I AM GOING TO NUKE YOUR EXISTENCE WITH ENOUGH FIRE POWER THAT THE AVATAR WOULD BE FORCED TO INTERVENE!" Caster yelled from inside the temple.

Assassin smiled forlornly. He looked around, found nothing interesting to look at.

"Tonight, the moon is quite beautiful." Assassin said with a mischievous smile on his face.

"QUIT SASSING ME YOUNG MAN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Caster hollered from inside.

"WELL THEN AT LEAST LET ME GO VISIT THE TOWN, YOU OLD BAG! RAINING FIRY DEATH WOULD ACTUALLY BE AN IMPROVEMENT AS COMPARED TO THIS DEATH BY BOREDOM!" Assassin yelled back.

A frog, already bored of this, hopped off in the eternal masculine search for female companionship.

(Matou Estate)

"And I am telling you Nagato, Justizia totally digs guys with beards." Zouken said, winking suggestively.

"Goddamit, you old fart! I am Shinji! You're grandson! Now let me out of your worm room!" Shinji said in a terrified voice.

"Ssh, not so loud! Sensei might hear us and you know how he gets when he hears us talk about women." Zouken said.

"Rider! Sakura! Help me! I would rather be castrated with a spork then hear another word!" Shinji yelled hysterically.

Rider, who was in another wing of the house, cocked her head.

"I think that's a good enough offer, Sakura. Hasn't he suffered enough?" She asked.

"Just a bit more. I want him to experience the LSD worms Grandpa made." Sakura said in a bored tone. She then turned to Shooter the Pegasus and fed him another carrot.

(Emiya Residence)

"So..." Rin said hesitantly. Archer rolled his eyes.

"What my Master is hesitant to say is that she wishes to propose an alliance. Said alliance is totally uninfluenced by the fact that she, my Master, has the hots for that idiot, Emiya Shirou." He said.

"Totally uninfluenced." Rin agreed. Then she realized what she had just said. "I hate you, Archer."

"I aim to please… myself that is." Archer said.

"What are you all talking about?" Emiya Shirou, the idiot who was dense enough to make black-holes look tame by comparison, said in a confused voice. Archer face-palmed, if only because he realized that once upon a time, he himself had been like this.

"Emiya Shirou, you are the densest thing known to man. No, I retract that statement. You are the densest object in the universe. You are so dense that reality itself warps around you and gives you an insane amount of luck in both life-and-death situations and chicks. And I hate you because I once had all of this as well but I never realized it until it was too late." Archer said spitefully, his rage suddenly boiling.

"Ooookay?" He said in a confused voice. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" He asked.

This time, both Rin and Archer smacked their face.

"He really is the densest object in the universe." Rin groaned.

"If I stabbed him with a diamond tipped spear right now, the tip would shatter." Archer agreed.

(Einzbern Forest)

Berserker roared in an animalistic manner.

Lancer shouted in a savage voice.

Then Berserker put the Black Knight on E-6.

"Blast, this is the sixth time you have beaten me today!" Lancer excaliamed. "You're good, Berserker!" Lancer praised his opponent.

"He isn't good, you idiot. You are so pathetic that even Berserker under the Enhancement of Madness can beat you." Ilya gritted her teeth.

"Little girl, stay out of the matters of men." Lancer said in a dismissive tone.

"Break him, Berserker." Ilya said casually.

A lot of tree trunks were broken that day.

(Fuyuki Church or what remained of it anyways)

Kirei sat on the decimated pews with a forlorn look on his face.

"Kirei, can I come back in?" Gilgamesh asked in a quavering voice. Without even bothering to look back, Kirei threw a Black Key and scored a hit on Gilgamesh's face.

He then sighed again.

"Excuse me?" Another voice, a girl's, came from outside. Kirei decided throwing another Black Key because he was an evil man but then there was a chance that the girl was here to submit a donation. So he coaxed his stubborn body to get up and answer.

"Yes?" Kirei said and then froze.

"Excuse me but is this the Fuyuki Church?" Rin asked.

Kirei stared at her for a few seconds.

"Is that a trick question?" He finally asked.

"Err, no. I am asking you whether this is the Fuyuki Church or not." Rin said a little uncertainly.

"Rin, you have been coming here for quite some time. Please don't tell me that you opened the Tohsaka snuff box again." Kirei said.

"Yeah that's it. I opened the snuff box!" Rin said.

"A pity because the snuff box was made by Tokiomi. It eats anyone who opens it. Which means you are lying." Kirei said.

"Damn. Okay, you got me. I am alternate version Rin here for some business and I would like you to cooperate with me." Rin said.

"Just a question. Do you know who am I?" Kirei asked.

"No." Rin said uncertainly.

Kirei stabbed her multiple times, robbed her blind then stuck her body in the trash can. A few minutes later, a garbage truck rolled up. The contents of all the trash can were emptied inside and then it drove away.

"Two hundred thousand yen doesn't seem to be such a bad start." Kirei mused.

(Homurahara School)

Kuzuki Souichirou was a retired assassin who made a living by teaching students. How he wished he could punch their heads off.

He had several colleagues but the most prominent among them was Fujimura Taiga. How he wished he could punch her head off.

Several of his female students were, for some absurd reason, infatuated with him. How he wished he could punch their heads off.

One student, however, was an exception. Ryuudou Issei was the class representative and a monk in training at the same temple where Kuzuki Souichirou was living. Kuzuki did not feel the urge to punch his head off.

Kuzuki was confused by this. Could this be…

…Love?

If it was, it was love of a most exquisite and forbidden kind. The definitely non-platonic love between a teacher and a student, one which must never be found out.

"Kuzuki-sensei," Fujimura Taiga said in a deadpan voice. "Please stop drooling on the desk."

Kuzuki snapped back to reality. He straightened his glasses.

How he wished he could punch her head off.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: THE SECOND MAGIC ISN'T USED FOR TAKING OUT TE TRASH

The golden haired man lay dead. Until his fingers started twitching.

With a great effort, the majestic King Gilgamesh, Hero of Babylon, King of Legends, Master of Uruk, Defeater of Humbaba, Champion of the Heavens, Defier of Inanna got up.

And was run over by a furniture van.

"Ah, thank you for delivering this on such short notice. May God fill your lives with interesting events." Kotomine Kirei said as he signed the receipt for the new furniture for his church. "By the way, did you see a golden haired corpse when you came here?" he asked.

The deliverymen looked at each other with some confusion.

"Was there a body of a golden haired guy here?" The first asked the other. The other simply shook his head.

"Nevermind," Kirei said with a sparkle in his eye as he noticed Gilgamesh's twitching feet from under the van. "It seems that God works in mysterious ways." He said. He handed back the clip board to the deliverymen. "By the way, gentlemen, it is to my great regret that I must inform you that I will have to kill you. I actually don't have money to pay you for the furniture as all of it has been used up in the church's reconstruction." Kirei explained.

"Kill us?" One of the deliverymen said before being stabbed. The other one didn't even bother saying anything. Both died instantly. Kirei looked passively at the feet under the van.

"Get up, Archer. I know that you're merely playing dead." Kirei said. "If you will dispose of their bodies, I'll let you come back for dinner and a place to stay."

Gilgamesh immediately threw the van off him.

"You know, that was cruel. Even for you." Gilgamesh complained.

"Oh my, is the tyrant actually feeling pity? Did you drink all the beer again?" Kirei said.

"No. And it was completely pointless, killing these mongrels." Gilgamesh said.

"In case you have forgotten, Gilgamesh, I am the bad guy. I do bad things." Kirei said.

"Making the King of Heroes dispose of two bodies is a much more heinous act! It would have been better if you had let them go." Gilgamesh yelled.

"Whatever. Just be sure not to mess with any Servants on the way to the garbage disposal. And make sure to deposit them in the inflammable trash." Kirei said as he went back in the church.

Groaning, Gilgamesh picked up the bodies of the dead deliverymen and started making his way to the garbage can outside.

A few seconds later, he was outside the Emiya residence.

"What the hell, how did I get here?" Gilgamesh yelled in surprise. Then he paused as he realized something. "KIREI! YOU ACTUALLY TELEPORTED ME HERE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE AN EVIL PERSON?" He roared in anger.

Back in the Church's ground, the cat which had been the unwitting instigator of all the mischief and mayhem innocently played with the magical wand, which had actually teleported Gilgamesh, of the dead Alternate Universe Rin whom Kirei had killed and mugged.

The cat pawed the long shaft and accidentally caused it to fire a beam of light straight at the Church.

Within the span of forty eight hours, the Church was demolished a third time.

Back at the front of the Emiya Residence, Saber stepped out of the house, took careful aim and threw a brick at Gilgamesh.

It was a critical hit and it was super effective. Gilgamesh fainted.

But got back on his feet immediately.

"As to be expected of my beloved Saber, your aim is as impeccable as your-" Gilgamesh began but had to dodge as Saber threw another brick.

"Okay, seriously now? I haven't even done anything wrong this time!" Gilgamesh protested.

"Then why are you carrying two bodies, vile one? Your actions speaker louder than Shirou's incomprehensible rhetoric!" Saber said.

"I didn't kill these mongrels! That damn priest Kotomine did!" Gilgamesh yelled back.

"Lies!" Saber yelled back. "Sir Kotomine is a paragon of Christian spirit! You dare lay such accusations on him?"

"Well, he is a lying, conniving, murdering, manipulating, little girl mugging, spice obsessed maniac. So, yes he is a Paragon of Christian Spirit. I am surprised he hasn't made his way to the Vatican yet." Gilgamesh said.

"That is it! I cannot tolerate such remarks towards a man I admire and remain neutral! Prepare for your death, Archer!" Saber said angrily, as her trustworthy sword, Excalibur, the successor of the Sword in the Stone Caliburn, gifted to her by the Lady of Lake, appeared in her hands. With mighty courage, she charged.

And was promptly shot down by a hail of swords from the Gates of Babylon.

"Wait, weren't you supposed to be comic relief? In a crack fic like this, anyone should be able to kill you!" Saber said, her mind briefly venturing beyond the fourth wall by the concussion.

"You foolish mongrels! I am immune to death for I am-" Gilgamesh said.

And was promptly run over a second time in the day.

Only this time by Shinji on a bike.

"Stop it Sakuraaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Shinji yelled, tears streaming from his eyes as he raced away from his sister.

"Rider, accelerate." Sakura commanded. Rider pedaled her own bike harder, running over Gilgamesh.

Gilgamesh's soul left the body and looked at its formal mortal prison. The Grim Reaper suddenly appeared beside him.

"Hi there, Gil!" The Grim Reaper said. "So, how much are you going to pay this time? A swrd? Axe? Spear?" he said. Gilgamesh sighed and reached into the Gates of Babylon, pulled out a random sword and handed it to the Grim Reaper.

"Sweet!" It exclaimed as it admired the weapon. He then looked up at Gilgamesh. "Oh, you can go back to life now." It said as it pushed him into his body.

Gilgamesh woke up with a gasp.

And found the deliverymen already awake beside him.

"So," One of them said, his eye glinting dangerously. "You decided to mess with us, eh?"

"Don't underestimate Furniture Deliverymen, bitch!" The other yelled as he swung a clipboard at Gilgamesh's head.

"Hi there, Gil!" The Grim Reaper said cheerfully as he reappeared. Then he paused. "Wait, didn't you already die twice today?"

(Ryuudou Temple)

Assassin defeated himself in a duel, committed ritualistic suicide to avenge his own honor and then took revenge on his death on himself.

Then he looked up at the moon with a wistful look in his eye.

"The moon is so-" he began to say but was stopped by Caster raining down an unholy amount of magical beams on him.

"-beautiful tonight" Assassin finished, smirking victoriously even though half of his clothes were gone. For some reason, his body was fine.

Caster resumed the bombardment.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK AROUND

Lancer got up from his meditating position.

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if someone else in this universe has decided to shoulder my burden of bad luck." He announced.

"That's great pal but where's the money?" The restaurant owner said in an irritated tone. Lancer looked at the restaurant owner as if he was retarded.

"I just told you, I am now luckier than before. Which means that somehow, I am going to receive a lot of money and I'll be able to repay you." Lancer said, making sure to speak slowly as if talking to a particularly stupid monkey.

"I am sorry but how does that work again? I am not seeing any hail of gold or river of silver." The shopkeeper said.

"Simple. I'll do a good deed and the reward will arrive from heaven. Look," Lancer said as he put a piece of garbage into the dustbin. "See?" He said.

Out of nowhere, two bikes and a furniture van suddenly ran over Lancer.

"Hi there, Setanta!" The Grim Reaper said cheerfully as it appeared beside Lancer's broken and battered body. "It's nice to know that you are so eager to die again but unfortunately, Kotomine has paid me with over half of Gilgamesh's treasures. I'll just have to send you back to life again. Say hi to Gilgamesh for me!" The Grim Reaper then pushed Lancer's soul back into his body and left.

Lancer jumped up with a yell. Nobody in the restaurant had even moved because nobody cared.

Except for the owner. He needed the money.

Lancer found two wallets lying beside him.

"Okay, we have here Furniture Deliveryman A and Furniture Deliveryman B's wallets." Lancer said. He then pulled out the correct number of bank notes, paid his bill and started running after the van.

And then died again as he was hit on the head with a fish.

"Dammit Berserker, I said 'drop the bass' not throw it!" Ilya yelled in frustration at her Servant, a few miles away from the dead Lancer's body.

"Hi there, Setanta!" The Grim Reaper said cheerfully. "You have gathered a significant number of points in our frequent deadman membership policy. So now, you get one revival for free!" It said as he pushed back Lancer's soul into his body.

Lancer sprang back to life.

He was almost hit by a fishing rod next but this time, he sliced it in two with an expert slash of the Gae Bolg.

"Fool me, once, shame on you." Lancer said. "Fool me twice and shame on-" he said.

And then dodged two speeding bicycles and a furniture van in rapid succession.

"Ha, I told you, the balance of luck in the universe has now shifted to-" Lancer said triumphantly, only to realize that he had somehow been teleported beside Assassin.

The cat, who had teleported Gilgamesh and destroyed Kotomine's hopes and dreams, had stuck again.

(Dark and Mysterious Chamber)

"Order, order!" The Evil Spokesman of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies said. "The second meeting of the Dark and Mysterious Villains is now in session! I'll now take role call so please be quiet while I call your names."

He was then unceremoniously killed on the spot by someone.

And there was much rejoicing.

"Excuse me but can someone explain something to me?" A little voice in the corner asked.

"Yes, what is it?" Another voice in another corner answered.

"Do we have electric lighting? I mean, why is the chamber so dark?" The little voice asked.

Everyone started laughing.

"Alright guys, that's enough. I mean, this is Roa we are talking about so of course he doesn't know stuff like this." Another voice said kindly.

"We keep the chamber dark because we are Evil!" Someone else said.

"With a Capital E!" Someone else said.

"Aye!" Everyone else agreed

"Arr!" Someone yelled.

"Get out, Van Fem. Now's not the time to play a pirate." Someone else yelled.

There was the sound of opening and closing the door.

And then there was a gigantic explosion which killed every single member of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies except for Roa.

"Excuse me, what time is it?" A voice came from the dust.

"It's the 56th of October, 20XX." Roa answered.

"Damn, I missed by two days! By the way, where am I?" The mysterious voice asked.

"A better question would be, who are you?" Roa snapped.

"I am Tohsaka Ren! My mother was killed two days ago by Kotomine Kirei and I am here to avenge her!" The mysterious voice said.

"Is that a fact?" Roa said. He then immediately ripped her to shreds and took her money.

"One thousand Shinji? What, is a Shinji now a form of currency?" Roa said in a disappointed tone. He threw away all the money and went out of the chamber. "Oi, Van Fem! Wait! I want to be a pirate too!" He yelled as he ran after the second remaining member of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies.

(Kotomine Church)

Kotomine Kirei prayed for a sign from heaven to understand why he had suffered so much. What he had done to deserve all of this.

Besides manipulating Matou Kariya into murdering Tohsaka Aoi, killing his late Master, wishing for the birth of all the evil in the world through the Grail, using orphans as a mystical battery, breaking the spirit of every single Christian who came to confess to him, stealing the Pope's ring and hat (he did return them though. Even Kotomine wasn't that evil) and murdering the Alternate version of Rin and mugging her.

He hadn't done anything beside all of that to deserve all of this.

There was a magical spark and a blue haired little boy appeared inside the Church.

"My name is Matou Kenji and I am here to-" he began to say but he was immediately stabbed to death by Kirei and his dead body was then looted.

"Gil? A Gilgamesh is now a form of currency?" Kirei said with mild surprise. He then pocketed the money and walked over to the telephone.

"Hello? Is this the Generic Furniture Delivery Company? I would like to order twenty church benches." Kotomine said.

(Tohsaka Residence)

"You know, I was skeptical at first when you said that we outwait everyone but this is turning out to be quite entertaining! I've never seen Saber being putdown so fast. Especially by Gilgamesh!" Rin said, a grin still on her face as she sipped the cup of tea.

"Sometimes I wonder who is more evil, you or Kotomine. I mean, rerouting your alternate future daughter's teleport to the Dark and Mysterious group of Loonies was just mean. Those loonies weren't evil, just misunderstood." Archer said.

"Oh my, are you actually pitying evil people, Archer?" Rin asked.

"There are no good people, Rin. Only evil people on different sides and furniture deliverymen, who are on everyone's side." Archer said sagely. Then he flinched but nothing happened.

"It's weird. In all my previous lives, I would usually get killed immediately after saying something extremely cool or stupid." Archer noted. He turned to face Rin.

Only to find Rin wasn't there.

(Matou Residence)

"Ah, Sakura. It's time for your lessons." Zouken said, too blind too realize that he was talking to Tohsaka Rin.

"Damn you, you demonic cat!" Rin said as she dragged to the depths of hell.


End file.
